My Setons and I
Adjusting to something up my ass was really difficult for me, especially as someone who was a senior in college. I felt so….gross, but I knew the only way I was going to make it through was by changing my mindset around them.
As far as I know, most initial seton placements should not be as painful, or take as long to recover from, as mine had done. I've been told it was all due to the amount of infection inside of the abscess/in my body, and my body was just further away from where it needed to be to be able to heal quickly. Which I could definitely feel throughout my physical body. Those first couple of days adjusting in the hospital were tough for me, more mentally, than physically.
With how big the setons were I did not feel comfortable wearing anything besides sweatpants for about the first month/month and a half post op. Even the touching of the fabric from leggings was too painful for me. With my inability to wear pants, you can only imagine how bad sitting was. During the first few months post op I made a new best friend, my butt pillow. It was an inflatable "donut" shaped pillow, that allowed my butthole to not touch the seat. I refused to let these things get in the way of my style so I had this bad boy inflated JUST ENOUGH so it would squeeze into my cute little black backpack.
I hated the fact that I had so many "outward" examples of what was happening to me on the inside. I felt that everyone could tell I was sick, or that I was hiding something. It made adjusting to life with setons harder than it initially needed to be. But it also allowed me to be exposed to more social situations upfront, allowing me to become more confident explaining what they were and how they were keeping me alive. This was the fact that I was grasping onto, as tightly as possible, to get me mentally through this change.
During that time I was grateful for all of the friends that would ask all of the right questions, the ones that checked in while I was back home in CT recovering, the ones that helped make jokes about the butt accessories to help me gain more confidence, it was with the help of these kinds of friends that I was quickly gaining my confidence back.
Besides my new best friend, my butt pillow, I also found help from my portable bidet. I knew I never wanted to learn how to wipe while having drains in my ass, so I went on Amazon and found the cheapest one they had. (Three years later and I have since learned how to wipe without causing irritation, but I still prefer the bidet over wiping). I had to bring it, in it’s little carrying bag, everywhere, and would have to take it out of my bag to bring it to the bathroom with me if I had to do a #2. At first, it was just another uncomfortable, outward and public, reminder, of what I was experiencing. I tried hiding it, I would wait until people were out of the bathroom before filling it up with water. But I quickly realized that with the frequency I used it, I need to just own it. That I did, if people asked I told them what it was, and why I was using it. I learned if they had an issue with any of it, that it was all them and not me, I needed to do what I needed to do to take care of myself, and if that was filling up a portable bidet in a public restroom before pooping then so be it!
Looking back on it, I think it was the use of the bidet and the butt pillow that helped me become more confident and be able to adjust to the setons the most. I was owning what I needed to do for ME and that made me feel powerful. At the end of the day I didn’t care what people though about any other part of my life, so why let what they think of my ass drains get to me? Fun fact--I just started to not give a f. I had bigger fish to fry with trying to take care of myself, I was not about to deal with judgmental people on top of it.
My final continuous reminder was the now daily needed usage of pads. I didn’t like any of the other methods of "catching" the seton's drainage, so I stuck to the maxi pad/panty liner method…for the last three years. Which means I have worn a pad for three years straight…I am a pad concierge now. This was definitely the hardest aspect to get used to, and I still do not think I am "used" to it, I just think I have learned to adapt. I have definitely reverted to period panties recently to at least give myself a reprieve, but they are never as affective as pads. If you are looking for pad advice, do NOT hesitate to reach out to me, I feel like I have tried them all at this point.
When the setons were initially placed in my rectum, I was told they would only need to be in there until I graduated. Well, by the time I graduated I had developed another abscess, so that extended my timeline further down the road. I went from never hearing about setons, to having two different placement procedures in the same year. It was a lot to process, but thankfully I have found out, (after having two additional procedures…or maybe three I have lost count) they are easy procedures when abscesses are not involved, and all things get easier with time. You comfort also GREATLY depends on the surgeon and how big or small they let them hang out. With personal experience, the shorter, the more comfortable they are.
For skin irritation and bleeding, I have lived and breathed by the Calmoseptine cream through this experience. It has been the only thing that has saved my skin from drastic damage.
Thankfully I will be getting these bad boys removed this Thursday, and will HOPEFULLY never have to go through this again. In the meantime, this has been my experience adjusting to them, these are the quick lessons I have gained from it, and this is the real reason why I was able to come up with the name BADASS W A BAD ASS, so I guess there are definitely some highlights to my personal experience. I know how hard they are to adjust to though on a mental and emotional level, so if anyone out there who has them is struggling--y'all can always reach out to me.
