Living in the In-Between

Life in the in-between occurs when your health is neither extremely bad, nor extremely good. The polar opposites in the IBD world, at least for me, consists of either being in a flare and needing steroids/surgery, or being in remission and sometimes forgetting you even have the disease. But the in-between of these two states, is the halfway point between a flare and remission. It is when life comes to a halt in your own medical community, because for you it is almost better to keep doing the same thing than to try a new medication out. It is a time filled with what feels like an endless moment of holding your breath because every step or move you make in life, is so close to swaying you either way on the spectrum. It’s where heightened emotions and questioning one's actions lives. 

It's where I seem to spend a lot of my time since I was first diagnosed with Crohn's. It's where I find myself once more, but this time I seem to be inching towards the other side of the spectrum, the one closer to remission. A side of the spectrum I have not seen for more than three years.

Trust me, the in-between phase does not mean there is n mot a couple of different medical plans on the table with my medical community, but it is a time where they take a step back, and keep on the current track. The "wait and see" phase as my doctor puts it. While they brainstorm what the potential options can be for the future state of what your body chooses to do. There always seems to be a lot of testing in this phase, I seem to tack on more colonoscopies during the times I feel "okay" than during my flare up periods. It's as if these check ins of my colon will provide a map to my doctor of what the next step will be with my body, always only inching towards one way or the other.

Let me tell you, I am not complaining of this middle ground in health care, this stand still almost, because it can provide a lot of freedom in ones life. A little more flexibility to spend periods of time away from the doctors office and to instead spend it living life. Because when it comes to living in the in-between, going on to continue living your life is the only option you have in my opinion.  It is what I have grown certain of during these periods. Because if you spend this period of time waiting just for the next medical shit storm to hit the fan, you'll waste valuable time. Instead you can get some semi okay days out of it rather than more symptomatic ones.

This period of time is never an easy one, because it is easier to accept black and white diagnosis' rather than the grey ones. But I think part of being a badass with this disease is to learn how to somehow embrace these moments of standstill care. To acknowledge your feelings but to move through them to a side of acceptance in the lull in the fight. Letting it be a time to recharge before having to possibly really fight again.

So here is my reminder to you, and as always myself, life isn't on pause when your disease is in the middle of the spectrum. Maybe it's rather a time to embrace as a part of the journey, and a moment to catch your breath.