Healing - more than the Physical
Healing but not in the physical sense every day, but the continuous mental healing that needs to happen as well. Waking up can be the hardest part, the pain can steal your sleep throughout the night. In my case, it's the nightmares of pain of the past that haunts my sleep and can wake me up in the middle of the night.
The pain and the nightmares (if you're me) can make that first moment of opening your eyes even harder. It’s the hardest moment of the day in my opinion, because it’s the exact moment you get to choose on how the day is going to be.
Do I stay in bed today? I technically could because I am "sick."
Or do I get up?
Do I get up and face the pain and fight another day to the fullest?
See, I use the word fight here instead of live because many times with a chronic illness, that's what you're doing, you're fighting.
Everyday I choose to face the pain and fight the day, either to the fullest, or to the best of my capability that day. On these days I keep fighting until I don't have any of my spoons left. Because yes, every single day I have to re come to terms with the fact that I only have so much energy to spend throughout the day. How I get to spend that energy is so important to me and can impact my health vastly if I misspend it.
It’s those choices every day that cause the mental part of healing to occur. See here, here is where we have to face what we value, who we are at the core, and where we are going in this lifetime. It's those goals and determinations that help get you out of bed every day, it's those motivators that help get you mentally over the pain.
Going is an active term here because life is a journey and never a destination. The ending is the destination, the ceasing of human existence. Whatever your soul does is its OWN BIZZNESSSSSSS.
But yes, healing in the mental way is a daily choice and a daily journey. One that I have been working on the most this past year. It has been humbling to say the least. I have had to face my upbringing, and personal beliefs, straight in the face. I had to look at my truths and decide what was worth keeping and what was worth getting rid of completely.
Once you decide to get rid of something though--you have to learn something new. There stares the bareness of life, the complete starkness, what am I to do? Do I build it from the beliefs I had? Or do I just start from scratch, from nothing?
That is what I am looking into myself for, every day, more of what I, myself want. The few ways I have been able to connect to myself in order to figure this out more is journaling. Writing aimlessly, or from a given prompt, helps me connect to what I do/do not like in life. It brings me a sense of who the inner me is, which helps when choosing where and what I want to do in this life. Also meditating, if I just sit there with my thoughts, I have to face them. I have to see what is actually bothering me and how I actually view life and others.
Without these two practices I definitely would be lost in the sauce when it comes to finding out how to heal and become my best self.
