I have been waiting for this…

I have been waiting for this one moment for a long time now. You may ask yourself, "why not do this sooner then?," "what made you hesitate?"  

One simple sentence can sum it up:

The magnitude of vulnerability. That was what was holding me back.  

See, I am too much of an open book. I have always known that if I were to start this blog that I would be all in, showing every single piece of me. Some of those pieces are dark, they're scary, and they can be filled with shame, guilt, or shrouded in pain. But it's time I let them come to the surface if they need to. It's time I let their story be told.  

The pieces of me that are good, and the shiny parts of my journey have also always scared me. Acknowledging that I have always loved writing, that I think it sets my soul afire, that words have been my one consistent friend throughout my life, that this all MEANS something to me. Owning all of that to not only myself but to the world as well, scares the living bejeesus out of me. Starting this journey would mean that I not only have to acknowledge the bad parts of me or my story, but I also have to face the good parts too. I have never been good at this, owning my truth and allowing myself to potentially be really happy? Shocker.

So there you have it. I was both scared of the good and the bad. The perfect yin and yang situation to avoid putting my thoughts onto paper and sharing them with the world.

I have called instagram my blog for a year now. I have whole heartedly used that word whenever I have told anyone about it. I have always known in the back of my mind that I was meant to actually start a real blog. One where I could go further in depth, a place where people would have to intentionally go. Somewhere that isnt bogged down by the rules of social media. It would allow my words to live in their own enormity, not to have them drown under the eyes of the aimless scroller. I want the people who are really interested in hearing what I have to say to see these words, to hear these stories.

My life has been a roller coaster ride, like all of ours have been. Mine has just had some deeper vallies than the normal person experiences, making the peaks harder, and higher, to climb up onto. I was diagnosed with one of the main creators of my valleys, Crohns Disease, when I was 10 years old. The other creators were the main characters of the first 17 years of my life. Those characters not ready to enter into this sacred area yet, one day I plan on opening up about the darkest points of my valleys. But for now they will stay in the dark.

Crohns Disease pained my life. I cannot try and wrap it into a pretty sentence, or write it into the positive spin that I am able to touch upon in my other stories. But for now, when I am first introducing it, I have to be real about it. It's a real fucking pain in my ass. All of the time. I have grown so much from it, emotionally and spiritually, but there are many moments in my life where I wish it never grew inside of me. That I was not a chosen "crohnie." This first post isn't focused around this story though. It's another one that I will save for another day.

Being able to tell my story is what has always been nawing at me. It is what I have been waiting for, because I know there is something to this pain I experienced. That there must be a meaning to it all. That it not only serves a purpose for myself, but it can also be a guide to others finding themselves in the same situation as myself. Whatever the reason may be, I have no idea, but I know that I have been waiting for this day for a long time. I have been fighting to come out of the wreckage of my life stronger, healed, and ready to communicate what I learned from the other side. With my story I crave my community to be inspired but what I have been through and to be able to learn from my own experiences.

I have always struggled with the concept of letting the true me shine through. I was always told she was too loud, too bossy, too knowledgeable, too confident, and the list goes on. I would try to reason these explanations away, knowing internally who I was and wanted to honor it. But also knowing that the outside world may not be able to fully accept me for me. I came out of the homeschooling bubble I was in to realize that what I had learned from all of the books was not necessarily true. Just because you have survived some of the hardest days of your life, does not mean that it is all roses and peonies all of the time. Nor does it mean that people will want to listen to what you hard learned from the experiences or want to be inspired to live their lives to the fullest. Many times people shy away from the dark stories because they themselves have too many shadows hiding in the darkness. If you show the acceptance and ability to rise amongst the wreckage, you can scare the others off.

People with any chronic disease experience so many different faucets of life that whenever a new member enters unwillingly into the circle, they can sometimes be circling around confused for many years. Unsure of how to find the answers they need to help their health be restored. Doctors are not always the answer, and they sometimes do not always provide the best solution. It takes time to figure out where to advocate for oneself and when to let go and when to be guided.

With 17 years under my belt, I hope some of my stories of what I have gone through can help provide an end to the circling. To point someone in the right direction for their healthcare or overall health. I hope to help someone else have a voice, find their words, and maybe even put them on paper one day for themselves.