Thoughts on Resilience

I met another therapist this week and at the end of our session she took a deep breath in and told me just how resilient she thinks I am, and how strong I am for surviving my story.

Holding the title of resilience is exhausting. I have heard it told to me many times throughout my life, and it is meant as a compliment. It is meant to be worn as a badge of honor, because if you are resilient, then that means you did more than just survive, you overcame as well. For me it has meant that I decided to not let my life circumstances growing up, define who I would end up being in my adult life. In my mind it has always been a simple concept, to end the cycle and become the version of me that I always wanted to be. I was never going to let what I went through define who I could and would become. So what causes me to deserve this full on title of resilience?

All of this fighting for my life has been so exhausting, and has been far from easy and it has taken a huge toll on my mental health.

So when I hear it said to me again, when I hear my story commended for having a happier ending, I do not fully feel anything. I feel some pride, yes, I am proud of myself for supposedly "making it." but whenever I hear the same word used to describe me, it also reminds me of just how hard life was and could be for others, and for myself once more. It reminds me of how isolated I was growing up while being homeschooled and sick with crohn's, it reminds me of every time I have had to get up no matter how hard it was or how painful, it reminds me of the dark days where there seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It reminds me of climbing up the mountain of my life, a climb that I never really signed up for.

With where I currently am in my life, this time around the description of resilience hits home more, and it has also made me realize that I am a freaking bad ASS.

All of the hard things in my life made me who I am today, and I didn’t let them get in the way either, of who I wanted to become. Rather, I let my expectations go of who I thought I should be during the old seasons of my life. Instead I work on accepting the bends in the roads more. Or at least I try to. I think there are many layers to resilience.

My every week therapist (what I call my talk therapist, I also have one that specializes in trauma therapy aka what I am currently entering into to help treat my PTSD symptoms) told me that resilience is a choice that I make every day. Sometimes it’s the forefront of my mind, everything is accomplishable and I can take on my own piece of the world, while other days the choice drags on, far from my grasp and I have to actively catch up to it. I like her definition of it, it feels more attainable this way and less intimidating. In this context it is just an attribute I get to choose to be every day, I could of given up a long time ago I guess. But the fact that I chose to keep going--that is resilience.

So I am starting to feel into it more, and accept it with it's positive roots attached to it, and I am trying to strip away the toxic memories that grasp firmly onto the attribute. Now that my life has started to settle down more, I can now make the space to heal from the toxic memories. I can now figure out what tools I can use to help myself feel better mentally. With the use of these tools I am hoping to build myself a stronger foundation of self love, one where I can accept the attribute resilience more readily. The foundation will support my higher self, the girl who owns her resilience, and who wears her story with pride and no shame or guilt.

I think we can all work towards this, and we can all learn something from our own stories. Even if it’s just that we are the baddest asses ever.